Friday, December 30, 2005

2005 Regrets

Since it's all the rage to do in Seattle, here's my regrets for the year:

- I regret that I said I'm sorry to my family for bagging out of Thanksgiving super early to attend to a booty call
- I regret having to take a polygrath test - the worst fucking experience of the year
- I regret "missing" my flu appointment today
- I regret buying that Southern Bitch CD
- I regret taking off 20 pounds and then putting 30 back on
- I regret agreeing to do 16 shows at a venue 15 miles away (which is like 45 miles in DC traffic) every weekend night for five weeks
- I regret continuing to do this blog

Here's Sun City Girls Alan Bishop's "Uncle Jim"'s regrets:

The year 2005 was pretty much like any other year, wasn't it? Yeah, I'm asking YOU—you lazy-ass pig snout trough guzzlers who still think the Earth is round. I have NO regrets exposing all the lost transcripts from Galileo's mistrial that I've managed to procure over the years stating that the Earth is an odd-smelling anvil shoved up your ass backward. I have NO regrets clarifying how you cockatoo larvae-fried mimics display a propensity for the quicksand breaststroke, mired chin-deep in a human skillet where Homo-Pathetica (that's MANKIND for you numbskulls) swirls in belief of swine-greased fairy tales like Al Qaeda. It's quite impressive that a few more of you ignorant subspecies of the one-legged marsupial have figured out that you've been hypnotized into actually believing you produce and direct relevance in the eternal puppet show in the middle of a mirage. As Burmese shamans say to condemn the willfully useless and overly pathetic: "You waste the rice and make the Earth too heavy," listing regrets is an act of documenting failure. My old pal Lemmy Caution had no regrets either because there are only about 63 people who actually matter here in Alphaville. Thank your lucky stars that I've merely scratched the surface. SUN CITY GIRLS' ALAN BISHOP RELAYS A MESSAGE FROM HIS DEBONAIR COMPADRE UNCLE JIM


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